47 years and counting…

A few years ago, I wrote a post on my birthday called Reflections on 44. It remains one the most popular posts I’ve ever written.

I know that many, if not most posts I write are dark. I don’t know why that is, other than for some strange reason, the darkness rouses the Muse and words flow more freely. In case you were wondering, I don’t spend my days in some sort of gothic state of depression. Quite the contrary, I am happy most of the time. But it isn’t those moments when I am driven to the keyboard.

So today, on this auspicious 47th anniversary of my entering this world, I decided to reflect on the good in my life.

The first thing that I want to mention is you. Knowing that you take precious time out of your day to scan these words brings me hope…hope that one day, I might turn this habit of verbal doodling might become my life’s work. That’s there still value in these thoughts that bubble up in my brain. That one day, I may truly become a writer, complete with paycheck. Thank you for your presence, the words of encouragement that you leave me and for the gift of your time.

I thank the gods for my friends. You know who you are. The trials of the past year would have been unbearable without you.

Happiness is not a state of being, I’ve come to realize. Happiness is in enjoying the moments that fill our every day and being fully present within them. My own are the simplest: that first cup of coffee in the morning quiet of my front porch, smoking and watching the hummingbirds zip and dive around my neighbor’s feeder. When my newly adopted cat jumps up on the couch and onto my lap, hesitantly craning her neck out to touch her nose to mine. When I have my kids on the couch next to me, their presence (even though they are enraptured by their phones/tablets) brings me peace and joy.
Singing along (badly) with a favorite song while I drive. Flopping down and watching an episode of “Longmire” at the end of a long day. An unexpected message from someone. Watching the sun go down. Listening to the night sounds while I smoke the last cigarette of the day before bed.

That is happiness to me. And my days are filled with those moments.

Surprisingly, these days I have an abundance of hope. I can’t explain why, but I have a concrete sense that no matter what, everything will turn out ok.

Cheers to 47 years. I don’t know if I have 47 more, but I will make the most of those I do have. I plan on making changes for the better in the coming days and weeks ahead.

Thank you for your birthday wishes. Thank you for continuing to read. Thank you for being you. My wish for you is health, happiness and hope in the coming year.

What you think about, you bring about. Never forget that.

“Walk tall, kick ass and take no guff from those swine.” – HST

Advertisements

Long, hard times to come…

At risk of stirring up a shitstorm, I feel compelled to write today.

Not of sunshine, autumn breezes nor unicorns farting rainbows. But of life and its seemingly unending desire to plant a foot in my ass.

Some of you know, but most of you don’t, what’s happening in my life.

I am in the midst of a divorce.

It’s far worse than I ever imagined. Not that I have any regrets about leaving nor did I have halcyon dreams of an ideal post-nuptial life.

But man, I never expected to feel more angry after leaving than I did before I left. It’s as if I was being given a choice between a shit sandwich or shit soup. Here you go, Danny. Take your pick and enjoy your shit either way.

I was drinking a lot those last 6 months. Just to keep from losing my mind and to try to sleep at night. It kept me in check but I slept very little those last months. In fact, the past year has seemed to be one long, sleepless night due to one disappointment, betrayal and insult after another in all aspects of my life.

The good news is (if there is any) that I rarely touch the drink anymore. One problem solved. Many more waiting impatiently in the queue.

Now I’m faced with the task of planning some sort of future. Being mindful of the child support obligation that I’m very much okay with fulfilling, I wonder what type of home will I be able to acquire. What sort of neighborhood will I be able to afford… house or apartment? 3 bedrooms to accommodate the kids or only two since I only see them every other weekend? What will I be able to afford for Christmas? What if my car breaks down? Et cetera…

The road that stretched before me is fraught with uncertainty and very little in the bank to address it.

I have had some very good friends to lean on during this time when I have mostly felt abandoned and alone. Without them I don’t know that I would have made it.

What’s the point of this post? I don’t know. I do know that I’m not giving up. Surely the fecal buffet that I have been dining on will switch entrees eventually.

But like the song says:

“I see them long, hard times to come…”

For those of you who stuck with this post all the way to the end, thank you and I’m sorry.