Well, it happened.
I sent the kids off to the bus stop. Alone. For the first time. To their second day at a new school. Did I mention that they were alone? AND they will have to walk home (1/3 of a mile) from the bus stop and let themselves in the house. For the first time. Alone.
And I was/am a damned wreck. It was everything that I could do to not park somewhere and watch them while they waited.
You see kids, I suffer from anxiety.
Most days it’s manageable. Some days, it’s paralyzing.
Lately, it’s been a fresh hell.
Aside from everyday life stresses and my crazy, fucked up occupation, I’ve been compounded by a move to a new house, worrying about my dad (with whom we spent 9 months living after the death of his wife), the kids & their new school, money (can I really afford this freakin’ house?), et cetera…
Oh, and I turned 45 a couple of weeks ago. Birthdays almost always jack up my anxiety as I analyze my life over the previous year(s) and try to decide if I am keeping my shit together in a manner befitting someone of my age and station in life.
The answer this year was an echoing “hellz noooooooooo.”
And I am trying to decide if that is a good thing/bad thing. My writing friends Hemingway, Thompson, Bukowski and good ol’ Hank Moody are all varying degrees of trainwreck.
Is this something inherent in my animal? Literary DNA?
I wish I knew. The past few months my hands shake noticeably. Now the legs have picked up the beat as well. If I stop typing, my hands will involuntarily tap the keyboard.
ajjdhohehoieh (See what I mean?)
At least, I hope it’s anxiety. A little voice in the back office of my brain’s Health Concerns Department keeps whispering “Parkinson’s” over and over again.
And to answer all three of you that read this blog, no. I don’t take anxiety meds or have any treatment other than smoking and the occasional indulgence in drink.
I am a fan of self-medication. An enthusiast, really.
But lately, neither tobacco nor fermentation has been working particularly well.
What to do, what to do.
As I write this, I get a text from the girl telling me that they are home from school.
The weight lifts ever so slightly.
My apologies for the lack of entertainment value in this post. It was therapy for me to put this out there.
Thanks for reading.